If you’ve watched Nobody Wants This on Netflix, you’re probably as fascinated as I am by the Noah and Joanne’s dating drama. As a psychologist I was most fascinated with how they navigate their clashing personalities and make space for each other to grow together.
Why? Because it is an interesting display of attachment theory in action. A concept I think can be hard to relate to and understand how affects us, but that always does.
Attachment 101: How it influences us
Attachment theory explains that how we relate to other is a reflection of our early life experiences. The four different styles of relating are secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant (or disorganised). These classifications were identified by Mary Ainsworth and has since received a lot of attention.
What Is Attachment Style?
Think of your attachment style as your “relationship lens” that shapes how comfortable you are with closeness, intimacy, and trust.
Secure: Comfortable with closeness and self-assured.
Anxious: Craves reassurance and closeness, fearing rejection.
Avoidant: Values independence, often staying distant.
Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized): A mix of craving closeness and fearing it, making relationships unpredictable.
How is your Attachment Style formed?
One of my favourite frameworks of looking at how our attachment style is formed is through the research of Dan Siegel. He states that the quality of presence given to you by your parents influence how safe, seen, soothed, and secure you feel in relationships. These are Dan Siegel’s 4 S’s and they describe what is needed to create healthy and secure attachment with our children.
Accepting your attachment style
For a long time I insisted that my childhood had left me with an secure attachment style. Telling myself my upbringing was good, my parents loved me very much, I had everything I needed - who am I to complain? However, slowly into adult age I have discovered and graciously accepted that I am anxious by heart.
A tough thing to swallow, I must admit. I was scared my parents would feel blamed and feeling guilty for being thought of as ungrateful. And I know I share this with many others who hold on to the belief that their childhood was good enough, maybe even better than most. But let me ask you, did you feel all four safe, seen, soothed, and secure according to your needs in childhood?
Admitting that you didn't does not necessarily mean you are ungrateful or your parents were bad parents, they might have had the best of intentions - just like in Nobody Wants This. But parents are human too and that’s okay.
Understanding your attachment style
Admitting your wounds and insecurities only opens you up to a more intimate relationship with yourself. By understanding your attachment style you can discover a new way of seeing your relationship habits.
So, let’s dive into Joanne and Noah’s attachment styles to get a good example of avoidant and secure attachment.
Joanne and Avoidant Attachment
Joanne’s avoidant tendencies are clear. She’s fiercely independent, values control, and keeps Noah at arm’s length, a true avoidant at heart. For avoidant people, intimacy often triggers the urge to run-away, not because they’re uninterested, but because vulnerability is scary and feels like a big risk.
If this sounds familiar, you might share Joanne’s love of avoidance. Prioritising self-protection over emotional connection is what comes more naturally to you. The key here is learning to trust, so that you can find a balance between your need for independence and desire for closeness.
Noah and Secure Attachment
Noah, on the other hand, shows a secure style of attachment. He’s steady, supportive, and isn’t deterred by Joanne’s walls. Those with secure attachment can communicate openly and stay calm in conflicts, allowing both partners to grow without added pressure.
If you feel able to navigate conflicts and feel calm and confident in your relationships, you likely relate to Noah’s secure attachment style. Securely attached people feel grounded in themselves and able to adapt to different needs without taking it personally (ugh, I am so envious of these guys).
When Different Attachment Styles Come Together
So what happens when an avoidant meets a secure? As we see in the show, you can get a real push-and-pull dynamic happening. Joanne’s tendency to push Noah away contrasts with his calm consistency, creating an “attachment dynamic” where one partner wants space and the other offers steadiness. This can feel frustrating, but it also opens space for growth in their relationship journey.
Connection for different attachment styles
By being aware of your attachment style you can bring more compassion and understanding of yourself into relationships so they feel less like an emotional rollercoaster and more like a journey of growth and connection. You can stay open to growth and connection in your relationship no matter your attachment style:
Avoidants do this by balancing their independence needs with creating emotional openness through vulnerability, even when it feels uncomfortable.
Anxious partners thrive when they learn to give themselves the reassurance they need to feel secure and learn to trust without constantly seeking validation.
Securely attached people might need to find a bit of patience and practice clear communication to create a safe space in the relationship.
Fearful-Avoidants get there when they understand and address what lies beneath their push-pull feelings towards others.
Attachment Style Isn’t Everything
Attachment style is part of the picture, but it’s not the whole story. I think that the most important take away from this series is how happiness in relationships is about more than attachment style; it’s about adaptability, growth, self-awareness and the willingness to create and build a relationship together.
Recognising and understanding your attachment style can help you understand yourself and your needs so you can help create flexibility, understanding and balancing the needs of your partner, and that is what makes relationships work.
A relationship is created together
Being in a relationship is a collaborative process, working together to make the relationship of your dreams come true. If you leave it to chance or expect the other person to be the one to change or interpret what you need, then it's most likely going to be a short lived relationship, or one that eventually explodes or fizzles out.
So next time you catch yourself acting distant or feeling overly needy, take a step back, remember your attachment style, and though informative, these patterns don’t define you - they’re just starting points for personal growth and meaningful connection. Dare to get uncomfortable and be vulnerable, so that you can create the love filled relationship you dream of.
Did I make you curious about your attachment style? Take a quiz to find out.